The "Enlightenment-Story" of "OWK"
(Sw. Anand Vartman)
The following letter i wrote to some friends
which asked me to "share my experience", and so i did,
more then 2 years after "it happened". I was never able
before to share it in such detail, so i was very happy to be "pushed"
to do so...
I wrote a whole book which is called "Enlightenment"
in Germany. This book describes many aspects of the "Truth"
and of "Enlightenment" from a "neutral viewpoint",
but in this mail i could share the "physical moments in time&space"
which happened the days BEFORE this "enlightenment-experience"
occured to me...
So, of course, it is "very personal"...
And maybe the start of a new book, a kind of "autobiography"
and "life-story" ???
Who knows, time will tell...
Of course, reading the following mail is funny, cause it takes really
long time that i "come to the point", but its worth reading
on and i did not like to change the writing after it happened, did
not like to cut anything, so just enjoy !!
Here this mail:
when i look now into the past of all of this
and compare my own experiences with what people call "awakening"
or "enlightenment", i would say, that i was "awakened"
time after time even without knowing, that i was "born enlightened"
(as everyone is), that i had many (DIFFERENT!) "experiences"
which are often mistaken with "enlightenment" (and where
mistaken by me too, oh my god, i was many many times "enlightened")
AND i had "finally" this "experience" which
"I" like to call "enlightenment", cause it was
so final and seems to be the same experience osho describes and
others described before... (and of course, also this was just a
"starting point" of a total different "state of being"
with different and again NEW "experiences"...)
Before I come to the "point", something
to summery my "past before":
For many years i
was in a kind of "tantric scene" in the west, did many
"groups" and also my "lifestyle" was "tantric"
and "esoteric"... I was in fact not so much searching
for "enlightenment" (i did not even really "think"
about that...) or "meditation", i was searching just for
"blissfull" experiences, a so-called "energy-junky"...
And, of course, i worked a lot with "kundalini",
"chakra-stuff", "breathing", blablabla
1998 i went to india, even before i was a bit in the austrian "sannyas-scene"
and interested in osho, but my main-focus was "natural india"
and "kundalini-yoga". so i went to places like rishikesh
and varanasi where i did intense (*very intense*) kundalini-tantra-yoga...
after travelling the south in search for some
"hidden 2000 year old living master" called "babaji"
one day i got TOTAL "fed up" with this "stupid search",
dropped it, dropped the whole "spirituality", dropped
every wish to be "something spiritual special", and decided
to go back to pune (i was there just 3 weeks in the beginning of
my travel) and "just enjoy life", which meant for me:
"dance, celebrate and "fuck around""... (*sm*)
yes, to the "dropping" something more
of the past: after i had a more or less "successfull life"
in the west as a computer-programmer, i dropped this all BEFORE
my travel to india, i sold all (or just "gave it away"),
i even made a "die-ing and say good-bye party" to my close
friends, knowing, feeling, "the one who will go will never
come back..."... (*sm*)
and, another thing: the ONLY thing
which i "wanted out of spirituality" was my wish: "whatever
is AFTER death, i want THIS life to be my LAST life on this planet..."
so, i went to pune and again i must step back
into the days "before this giving-up" happened:
I was in VERY VERY "strange" states.
i could not sleep, the energy went up and up, i was total "energetized"
all over and did not know what to do with this energy. i went around
in madras/chennai for example from 4 oclock morning till night,
slept just 2-3 hours, energy energy energy, but this was not really
"blissfull", on the contrary, all the "normal-world"
looked very very "strange" to me, i could see "something
unknown is going on their" without knowing "what it is"
(i had funny ideas like: "ETs" blabla), so this was strange...
after all, as i wrote above, i dropped the "spiritual trip"
and went for "excitement & celebration" to pune...
this was end of nov 98...
i came to pune,
still very much "in this exhausting, never-ending energy"...
btw: and now i get very "privat": long time i travelled
with a girl-friend and we separated in orissa before, and she went
to pune before, so when i came, i was also a bit "jelous"
and "fear of loosing her", and, of course, i already had
lost her... in fact, we never could establish a "relationship",
but this was somehow my
"last dream" i was clinging to,
i was "hanging on", the "tantric dream"...
so when i came to pune and saw, this relationship is "really
really over", even more i decided now just to "drop all
this stuff&spirituality" and JUST ENJOY... *sm*
(ah... btw: also in orissa i met some "masters"
and we did some strange things together, and in varanasi before
i got "yogic deeksha" which means "initiation into
a yogic tradition", in my case, i became a "naatha-yogi"...)
(hey, it takes long that i "come to the point"... *sm*)
so, pune, hmmm...
in fact, i came to pune, cause i also did know
that a 5-week "tantric intensive" is going to start and
this i wanted to do since years...
so i went to an "interview"...
they said: of course, they dont know me, and i am no sannyasin,
and even i made a lot tantric stuff before, it would be good if
i make a small "beginners group" (3days) before, just
to give them chance to know me... (to say it before: of course,
i DID finally this 5weeks group, too)...
AND: they said, that
they can see that i am in a "very strong/strange" energy
and maybe a session of "pulsation" (reichian bodywork)
would be good to do BEFORE the small tantra group... (*sm*)
i did this kind of breathing-energy-work for
years, so this was a good idea, i made a session and of course i
made it mostly "on my own", the "giver/helper/leader"
did not have much to do...
and: it was WOW !!! really big catharsis...
i went out total "blissfull", love for all, joy, blablabla...
from this session on, this "strange energy" was transformed
the next days i did only one thing:
DANCE DANCE DANCE !!! and: drink water. i did not eat at all, but
i could sleep...
blissfull dancing, blissfull dancing, blablabla
AND: i chose to become sannyasin !!! of course... i was TOTAL in
this "osho-bliss-dance-love-celebration-energy"... *sm*
on the evening their was the "sannyas-celebration"
and i was: "just blissed out"...
(btw: i was much
in "natural dancing" since years, did "latihan"
since years, and was working/awakening my "inner women"
since years... this "babaji" was also just a symbol for
the "inner union of male/female", an "androgyn yogi"
or something like that...)
so, of course, i did "really
wild dance", in male and in female-energies...
bliss bliss" my "ex-girlfriend" came to me...
(hey, btw: now, after more then 2 years for the VERY FIRST TIME
i am describing those days.... !!!)
..., so, she came to me
with flowers in her one hand, her new boyfriend in the other hand,
saying "hey, its time that you know each other...". BANG
!!! "from bliss to hell..." i was soooo angry, i was fed-up...
next: some days before i met a beautiful girl
which said, she will come to my sannyas...
SHE DID NOT COME
i was TOTALLY frustrated...
(btw: i met
her again and again some days after, was a nice "flirt"...)
i went to change my cloth...
i thought: "resignation, i
go home sleep..."
next thought: "NO !!! i wanna celebrate
my sannyas !!! i dont give them power"...
full of a mix
of anger, energy, "full-on", blabla, i went to the "commune-disco"...
some days before: i met a guy who was "long time sannyas"
and lived in oregon..., we had a nice evening on a techno-party...
now back to the disco: there this guy was. AND: some older women
on his side. she was also "long time sannyas" from days
she was at least 10 years older then me, but she
looked total "sexy", not "spiritual at all",
just in a small leather-cloth...
and "I"? i just wanted
ONE THING this evening: "fuck"... (*sm*)
...and out of my tantric experience, i had no
judgements of "age" or "looking", so i "wanted
what i can get"... (but she looked nice, too)...
what happened? after some "blabla" i took her hand and
then strange energy flow through our arms. the arms in fact did
something on their own (also moving), and it was like you put your
arm into an 220 Volt electric box... strange, never had something
like that before...
i had many energy-experiences before with
breathing, prana, a.s.o., feeling "warm" or even "real
flashes", but in this way, "really electrical" and
that the body is "taken over" and you "cannot do
anything about it", i never had...
so, of course, "we
had to go to bed"... *sm*
(btw: also she never had this
their some "normal magic" happened,
like she had a champagner since weeks but the freezer was not working
but on this day it was working and the champagner was cold...
many of this "magic" i had before in my life, and, of
course, after "it" happened the whole life is full of
this kind of "magic" ("existence on work..."
So it was a beautiful, lovely, almost "holy"
night, the sex was more or less "normal", but for the
FIRST TIME i recognized: "i dont have to DO anything, everything
happens on its own without my doing, on the contrary, i am NOT the
one who knows what is BEST for me, their is some "higher"
"something" which knows it "better"..."...
of course, i did "believe" in god or "something",
but NOW i REALLY felt that their is some "higher something"
which knows WAY BETTER what is "good" for me..., and EVERY
"doing" on my side is more "destroying what is meant
to happen" then really "creating something beautiful"...
mostly i thought so, cause i felt like "even after the BANG
DOWN" after my "bliss" in "sannyas-celebration"
their was "someone prepared for me", and "someone
must have arranged it"...
i did not "know" what it was. it was
not importand at all to give "this" a name...
just their, and i was now absolutely sure and convinced, that their
is "something/someone" their to take care of me...
(i started also to believe in some "strong buddhafield"
or even in a kind of "spiritual conspiration"...)
and: the energy-thing showed me, that their are many experiences
which i dont know and which i can only experience, if the "energy
wants me to experience it", where i can "nothing force,
nothing do" "for it"...
so, what to say: after
this night i "surrendered to this energy", to this "higher
being", i did NOTHING anymore "on my own"...
and mostly: i did not FORCE anything !!!
i could see "existance
at work", and that their is all done, really ALL & EVERYTHING
by this "higher hidden energy", which has an "own
intelligence" and an "own logic far beyond human logic"...
"forcing" for me became the synonym
for "ego which wants something"...
i could see&feel,
that if "I" do something, things "get wrong"...
i watched my body, just watched what "he" wants me to
do (cause their was this "energy"), and i just did what
feels right NOW, i was TOTALLY in latihan...
(btw: after my
"experience" i was for at least one year "totally
in this latihan"... - but then i stepped "beyond enlightenment"
but this is another story)
(another "btw": of course,
i did see, "everybody is enlightened all the time and they
just pretend not to be...")
so, go on with my "story"...
the next day, 6th december:
the short, 3day tantra-beginners group started. first i "smiled"
about it and the "exercises". BUT: i could see, if i TOTALLY
follow "my energy", then at least FOR ME it becomes an
"advanced group" with totally new experiences. i did not
force ANYTHING... (means: not "doing" anything on my "own",
out of my "mind" or "ego" or "wanting"
or "doing right"-thingy, a.s.o.)
and: we had some
exercise with blind-folders (like a did often often before), with
"hands touching", BUT: THIS TIME again this "electrical
energy" came, this time not (only) in my hands, but TOTAL CONCENTRATED
IN MY SPINE !!!
my spine was full of electrical energy like
100's of volts, and of course i did know "bliss" before,
and "love" and "joy" and "exstasy"
and all this kind of experiences, but this was TOTAL NEW and i could
not explain at all... i dropped my kundalini-yoga some month before,
and NEVER i had THIS kind of energy before...
and: it was NOT TO CONTROL !!! it was just "out
of a sudden", not "out of an exercise or doing".
it was like this energy is "doing what it wants" with
or better, "in" me.... i could not have "brought
it back to the hara or base-chakra or something like that...".
this would have been total stupid. their was not way to "control"
this energy, it was "controlling and running me"...
this time, this energy went up to the heart chakra. btw: my
guruji in varanasi did some exercise to "break the block"
between the 3rd and 4th chakra, which is in the solar-plexus (in
this system, the 3rd chakra is in navel-area...), and of course,
i had much to do with this solar-plexus-block since 2-3 years...,
and a BIG opening their in the pulsation-session some days before
(and of course, in many of them many years before...)...
came to me, i could feel, and "measured" what is going
on in my spine cause a hand touched me on my back in the height
of my heart-chakra, exactly where the energy went to... - but i
had blind-folder and i did not speak and share at all those days...
(i just had the deep deep trust: "all is right"... not
asking for what is going on... i could feel, this "someone
higher" does it and knows it well and no human can say me anything
the second day
in this group went like the first. i really could see, if i DO something
(force), then it get "messed", if i just "surrender",
all is well and high energetic bliss-states are their...
evening: somehow i remembered my "ex-girl-friend"
and i could totally say to me: "her problems are not mine,
i cannot heal their, i was on a healer-trip" (many years),
and i said to myselve: "the other is not your business. never.
just stay inside with this energy... all is well, everybody is driven
by god and the "inner guru"...)
so i dropped my "healer-trip",
AND: i forgot to say, that some days before i did the "aum-meditation-marathon"
and in this i could finally see and drop the thought and wish "i
am something special, i want to be something special"...
BUT: now the "but": somehow i stepped out of the "total
surrender". some part in me, which i called "ego"
this days and call "curious mind" now wanted to "know"
if it is REALLY "over" with this girl-friend, and even
more, what she "really" thinks about me..., wanted to
know "the truth about it"...
(my god, this really
sounds all just like a "stupid story"... *sm*)
so, out of a sudden, i "stopped" my
surrender, "went with ego", went into the next internet-cafe,
AND: checked HER email with HER password, which i did know (i never
did that before)... and, of course, here it was standing: "i
am so glad that this relationship ended", "i am so in
love with this new man", blablabla...
so, finally i really
and totally could "drop" this last dream (or lets say,
existence dropped it for me...)
what happened with/in me next?
slowly walking down the street, des-illusioned, all is over...
all is over...
"their is no love in this world..."
"their is no real love"...
"nobody loves me"...
"all is over"...
so, i went into the
"all is over"...
bought something to eat...
"something with fat fried potatoes"...
"all is over"...
i set their, in my
usual meditation-sit... (half-crossed legs)
i closed my eyes...
sometimes i opened them...
mostly i closed them...
sitting, rotating my spine clockwise like i
learned in kundalini-yoga, just "automatically", not "doing
"all is over"...
some old men are
comming into the backery...
holding each others hands...
the older man shaking all over his body...
i just recognize them, close the eyes again...
"nothing is left"...
they sit down
the younger one
(but still much older then me) looks at me, but i dont see it...
"all is over"
"nothing is left"
"what next ???"
closing my eyes...
opening my eyes...
closing my eyes...
imagine, imagine "what could be next"...
imagine myselve, being "the one", an "enlightened
being", giving "love & energy to everybody"
"nothing is left, now i go back into a room and sit their for
the rest of my life, giving love&energy to everybody which comes
to me, which comes into that room"...
imagine myselve sitting
in that room, full of light, i am light, i sit, i am in bliss, i
imagine, imagine, "daydreaming"...
many people come, i give them blessings (in my imagination)
it goes on...
little "stupid": i imagine, the "ashram"
puts me in such a room, i am a "hidden secret master"
and they manage to bring some "chosen sannyasin" to me
and i give them my blessings...
this was my "last"
then: i imagine, this "ex-girl-friend"
comming, too, she comes into the room...
before i gave everybody
she comes into the room...
she comes into the
"HEY !!! i cannot think anymore
"what the hell ???"
"i cannot think
"what the hell ???"
"i cannot think anymore".
"i cannot think"
"I CANNOT THINK"
(nothing left...) !!!!!!!!
nothing left in my head, no "thinker" their, no thoughts...
still i am...
i try, i try
hard, i cannot think anymore...
stopped. no thinking...
still i am...
first time i realize, i am not the
this has died, this has "stopped"...
who is the "I" ???
their is not even this old "I"
still "I am"...
now, i have to say: i cannot total remember the
"chronological" time-line how all this things which happened
next came, which came first, or last, i dont know, cause also i
left time, blabla, so i just write, how i remember "now"...
"I" open the eyes...
then i see it:
(or, was some other thing before???)
Ok, i just write what
The thinker has gone, still i am...
(somehow "between" i see, that the younger man is laughing
at me. i dont know him. i look away. he stares and laughes at me.
i get confused. is he homosexual or what ? dont know...)
again, closed eyes...
THEN i "see it":
first, i get "unidentified" with the body. the thinker
has gone, now "I am", a body is their, i am not this body.
i "become something else"...
i never existed
was never born
i am immortal
i exist since the begin of
i exist till the end of time
i become: GOD !!!
i AM GOD !!!
this all is ME !!!
this all is IN ME !!!
I am everybody...
their is only ONE "I", and this
ONE "I" is ME (,too)
everybody looks at me...
this is all me...
they all know...
it is like: "i was
the last in this game"...
they all did play...
(after, i see, they dont like me to speak about it "direct",
like they dont want to be "disturbed" and want to continue
their "play of hide it"...)
they are all the same
they are all enlightened
i am the
they are waiting for me
this whole show was for
next: i become one with the whole existence...
i am all what is NOW
i am all what ever existed
i am all what will ever exist...
TIME STOPS !!!
time comes to "ONE SINGLE POINT"...
their is no time
i am out of time...
i AM time...
part of me
space is part of me
i am all
next: i DONT EXIST.
their is NO EXISTENCE.
(but still "i am" in this "nothing"...)
all this: a dream, illusion, MY DREAM, but their is no "my",
no "me", their is only this dream, nothing else, and the
dream is the dreamer... nothing else...)
some time between all this:
energy comes up again the spine.
but this time: also on the front:
to breath, feel almost "next i get a heart attack and "this
i will go to die...
this body will
ok, die !!!
ok, die !!!
ok, i die !!!
i die !!!
i "go out of the way"...
like "the breath wants to breath"...
energy wants me to breath"...
in front of body TOTAL OPENING of the "heart chakra"...
then: on the back, the spine vibrates, strong electrical
i cannot do ANYTHING !!!
i am not in power anymore
("shakti" is a synonym for
the GODESS rules, i am illusion, every "I" is illusion,
all is run by "shakti" playing with herselve...
then: energy in spine comes up to the top of my head...
TOTAL STOP !!!
NO "I AM NOT"
ENDLESS BLISS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
their is nobody
their who enjoys it !!!
only bliss !!!
i am this bliss !!!
i am only bliss !!!
i am only energy !!!
i AM this energy
i AM shakti !!!
"all my life i was running away
from this energy, from my REAL SELVE !!!"
I AM BLISS
it feels like: "i feel ALL the energy of the cosmos, of
the universe, of all times", i feel "all the emotions
of all beings of all times in one moment"...
the energy "just turned off the thinker"...
"just turned off the I"...
"i am not what i thought
ok, i leave...
their is no life...
is no world...
just a dream....
NO MAYA, NO LEELA, NO ILLUSION; EVEN NO NIRWANA !!!
nothing else exists...
btw: to say it in "one word",
this was just my first "real sammadhi", later i had it
on and on and the energy got much more subtle...
even that to much to say...
cause: their was no
"i" to go "anywhere"..., or better:
was NO PLACE TO LEAVE and their was NO PLACE TO GO TO...
beyond the beyond...
where no "reality" and
no "illusion" exists...
where no "universe"
where no "time" exists...
experiences i had this time: "there was no life before my life
and ALL what is told to me is not true and just stupid"
"there is nothing to know"
"there is no knower"...
after around 30 minutes (dont know, really dont know), the energy
left my head...
and i got cold for some minutes...
happened some times again the next days and i was "ready to
but i did just one thing: breath and: stay aware,
just watch, not "doing anything"...
but i stayd...
i "expected" this body to die, too (after the old "I"
but, hey, it staid... *sm*...
(btw: after all of this, i went out and bowed down to the universe,
could not believe that "i am this", and that "this
body is still alive"...)
the energy left the head all the time after a while
was TOTAL BLISSFULL
this "sammadhis" my "third eye" was total opened,
i could see "the joke", "god joking with each other
(form)", going "out of time in the total "NOW",
blablabla, which i called "satoris" then...
god, i am god, their is only one i, blablabla...
finally i felt, like their are "two I's" (this is
the "real duality"...), and this "two I's" merged
in me to ONE !!!
one "I" was the "unconcious
energy", kundalini-shakti, which "rules the matter"
and "came up the spine...
...to meet the "other half
I" (now i like to say, the "one I" is just "split
into two"...), and this other "half I" is "conciousness
itselve", is "shiva", is "me what i thought
i am before..."
in this way, i came to know that i was
enlightened all the time before...
i just did not know...
did not: "remember" (others would say so...)
i called "I" or "Ego" or "Me" was
and the other half was "energy"...
and they "met"
and I "became one with the whole
somehow like that...
the often spoken "I AM" "(is all what is)"
does not sound "total and final true" for me anymore...
and: the "real journey" did start AFTER, but
this is a total different story...
and of course: when people
came and "talked" i could nothing else do then: laugh
laugh laugh, it was very funny this days...
and when i watched
the "mind" (in "me") starting thinking again,
also i could only laugh laugh laugh about this "thinking machines"
to get "identified again"...
after the energy left,
i was "pure conciousness left", a "shiva", which
met his "shakti", the universe...
was just conciousness, and this it was all the time...
looking into this "existence"...
(i was much in the "watcher-space" after this..., more
then a year it took, that the "watcher comes out again"...
knowing, this "existence" is my "real I",
is my "shakti", and i got "marriage with her"...
to go on in the "story":
of course, i did
see, nothing ever is done by an "individual I", everything
is done by this "one force", and the mind just makes a
"trip out of it", some "personal story", but
never he does anything...
out of this, i cannot go around and
say people: "stop" !!!, to whom to say???
do at all...
even they believe they do...
and even this
is "right", is "part of the game", is part "of
without this "believing in an individual
I" nothing would happen...
so all is right...
if one has to "step out", if for one it is "enough",
existance will "manage", nothing needed...
ALL NEEDED !!! teachers, therapies, all part of it...
gets (and "needs") in his way, what he chooses to get
all is well....
and so i live a "normal
i am even "going to marry again"...
i "make money" again...
i work as a "programmer
this body has nothing to do with the experience...
this body is nothing else then this body...
and lives his life...
(and "I" watch...)
btw: this "master" which
was sitting on my side came after all to me, laughed, i laughed,
we took our hands, both hands where taken by this electric energy
again, did what they wanted, we became one, blabla, and i said to
him, laughing, and not understanding what happened:
"do you know
and he replied: "do YOU know
and i said "NO"
and we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed...
(btw: the picture aboved of course
does not show the described situation, not even the right person
(the described happening & dialog was with the younger one ("satto"),
but on the picture there is me with the older one who is called
bernie") - but the image "fits very well" to the
the next days, cause this kundalini/sammadhi-experiencies went
on, he went on in giving me some "hints", all happening
in "meditating in the german backery and looking out into this
movie of existence", into this "universal joke",
just watching it together, three men sitting, just watching, being
ONE inside, laughing inside about all this joke...
... and *many*
things happened (*sm*)
...and *nothing* ever happens... (*sm*)
after some days of staying in this "silent knowing" i
said a second question to him (after i saw all this "gods"
playing with themselve but he and me staying "out of the game"...),
"you are the only one"...
his reply: "no,
its just a mirror, you are the only one"...
their was nothing
more to say...
AND: in the same time,
"being out their"...
I LOVE IT !!!
this for now, maybe another time i tell about my "stepping
beyond enlightenment"... *sm*...
much much love&light
sw. anand vartman (also known as "owk")